I am sitting and hurting today. My heart hurts. I feel dull and sad, ineffectual and cast aside.
I thought about texting an old friend that I saw their disdain for me over my shoulder and how much they really hurt me, and as I was thinking about this their icon popped up on my facebook screen saying they were online. What an invitation.
It is 7:30am and I feel isolated and on the precipice of falling back into despair. I feel like the kindness I send into the world is not seen or appreciated... That is not true. I feel like the kindness I send out into the world is not returned in the timely fashion I would like. Also I don't feel like that.
What right do I have to throw shade on this person's day. Maybe if it was 9:00pm my choice would have been different, I'd like to think it wouldn't. But I simply texted them, "have a nice day." Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe that will affect them just as negatively, but that is on them, not me. I meant it with an open heart.
I keep looking to the outside world to help me, because it can, because I know the solace it can provide, and I doubt that I can treat myself as kindly. Rather I know I can but I am weary and afraid. But I am not down.
Loneliness is hard. It undercuts my self confidence it underlines the realities of others who did not see me as worthy. The reality of my mother. I am so tired of everything going back to childhood bullshit. We will get no where as a peoples until we learn to honestly cherish and protect our children. All children everywhere how ever their lives may be. The fallacy of Original Sin is so fucked up and such a monumental cop out for needless suffering.
I feel hurt and lonely today. "I see you loneliness. I am going to let you pass. I have an open heart."
And to the voices and the people who doubt me, I see you and I am going to let you pass I have an open heart.
I thought about texting an old friend that I saw their disdain for me over my shoulder and how much they really hurt me, and as I was thinking about this their icon popped up on my facebook screen saying they were online. What an invitation.
It is 7:30am and I feel isolated and on the precipice of falling back into despair. I feel like the kindness I send into the world is not seen or appreciated... That is not true. I feel like the kindness I send out into the world is not returned in the timely fashion I would like. Also I don't feel like that.
What right do I have to throw shade on this person's day. Maybe if it was 9:00pm my choice would have been different, I'd like to think it wouldn't. But I simply texted them, "have a nice day." Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe that will affect them just as negatively, but that is on them, not me. I meant it with an open heart.
I keep looking to the outside world to help me, because it can, because I know the solace it can provide, and I doubt that I can treat myself as kindly. Rather I know I can but I am weary and afraid. But I am not down.
Loneliness is hard. It undercuts my self confidence it underlines the realities of others who did not see me as worthy. The reality of my mother. I am so tired of everything going back to childhood bullshit. We will get no where as a peoples until we learn to honestly cherish and protect our children. All children everywhere how ever their lives may be. The fallacy of Original Sin is so fucked up and such a monumental cop out for needless suffering.
I feel hurt and lonely today. "I see you loneliness. I am going to let you pass. I have an open heart."
And to the voices and the people who doubt me, I see you and I am going to let you pass I have an open heart.
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